I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
