for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
