Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
