I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
