she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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