By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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