Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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