She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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