i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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