Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
