My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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