It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
