If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
