check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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