You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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