He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
