I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
