So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
