the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
