onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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