Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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