I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
