I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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