There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
