U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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