Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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