How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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