He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
