I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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