Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
