So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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