kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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