I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
