So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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