Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
