i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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