You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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