i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
