I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
