I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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