You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
