i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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