You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
