When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
