so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
