i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
