Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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