I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
