I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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