She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just pee around me
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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